


Control

by yikes_my_face



Series: Free! Song AU's [7]
Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Control by Halsey, Crying, Depression, Distress, M/M, Suicide, Why do I like to abuse my poor son this way, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 10:47:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6607819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikes_my_face/pseuds/yikes_my_face
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And all the kids cried out, ' Please stop, you're scaring me!', I can't help this awful energy. Goddamn right, you should be scared of me. Who is in control?" </p><p>(Or, Makoto's depression is beginning to get the better of him.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, shoving my own issues onto these characters I do not own. I do not claim any of the characters from Free!, and 'Control' belongs to Halsey.

_They send me away to find them a fortune, a chest filled with diamonds and gold. The house was awake with shadows and monsters, the hallways, they echoed and moaned..._

Makoto had never liked the night. It was always too dark, too quite, too long. It allowed his mind to wander, to dig deep within himself, to uncover memories that were better left buried. 

The voices inside had been there since he could remember, whispering all of his insecurities into his ear, making him believe them to be true. The only times where the voices weren't as loud were when Haruka was with him.

Tonight wasn't one of those nights where he would sleep over at the elder boy's house, or vice versa. No, Haruka was off in Tokyo, visiting his parents. It was even later there, so he didn't want to disturb him. 

 _"He'll hate you if you do,"_ the voice whispered, hissing in his ear.

It seemed it would be another sleepless night. 

_I sat alone, in bed 'til morning. I'm crying, "They're coming for me!" And I try to hold these secrets inside of me, my mind's like a deadly disease..._

He knew he was depressed, but he kept it a well hidden secret, one kept between himself and the voices. His problems could be put off, because his parents were busy trying to provide for and raise three children, and he didn't want to burden his friends. 

It was nights like these that scared him. Nights where he felt so small, so insignificant, wondering if he would be missed if he died. Some nights he considered strangling himself, or just to walk down to the ocean and let himself drown. 

 _"You wouldn't be missed. Good riddance, that's what they'd say,"_ another voice cackled. 

Makoto covered his ears, but it didn't make the sound any quieter. The silence was deafening, and tears began to fall. 

_I'm bigger than my body, I'm colder than this home, I'm meaner than my demons, I'm bigger than these bones..._

_And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me!", I can't help this awful energy. Goddamn right, you should be scared of me. Who is in control?_

He remembered the first time the twins had found him. He was so close to making a cut with a newly sharpened razor when his bedroom door opened, as he'd forgotten to lock it. The two giggling children froze when they saw their big brother. 

"Onii-chan?" Ran's head tilted in confusion. "What are you doing?" 

Makoto's eyes were wide, shame and guilt taking over. He quickly hid his blade between his bed and the wall. "It's nothing." 

"Onii-chan, are you okay?" Ren asked softly, holding tightly to Ran's arm. 

"I said it's  _nothing._ " he said again, with a little more force in his tone. 

The twins were looking at each other, as if debating silently what to do. 

Makoto sighed and motioned them to come closer. He wrapped them in his arms and held them close. "I'm sorry for snapping. Just don't tell Mama and Papa, okay?" 

The twins nodded quickly, snuggling into their big brother's embrace. Guilt tugged at Makoto's heart, knowing he had scared his younger siblings. 

 _"They should be afraid of you. Even you are afraid of yourself,"_ the voices hissed,  _"Coward..."_

_I paced for hours on empty, I jumped at the slightest of sounds. And I couldn't stand the person inside of me, I turned all the mirrors around..._

Makoto paced the floors of his room, the numbers on his alarm clock screaming 2:30 AM in blaring red at him. With each creak of the house, his pulse rate jumped higher, his nerves building up. 

What if he did die? Who would miss him? Sure, people may be sad, but they would get over it. If it were Haruka, Nagisa, Rei, or even Rin, they would be irreplaceable. They would be mourned for the rest of everyone's days.

 _"But you're replaceable. You're nothing special. You're just a burden, a scardy-cat who does nothing but bother people. You're an inconvenience."_ The voices laughed at him, as the tears began to fall faster. 

He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. With a look of disgust, he covered it with a blanket.

_I'm bigger than my body, I'm colder than this home, I'm meaner than my demons, I'm bigger than these bones..._

_And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me!", I can't help this awful energy. Goddamn right, you should be scared of me. Who is in control?_

_I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head. They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead._

_**"To whoever finds this letter,** _

_**The voices are too loud. They scare me. I'm scared of me. I've always been so scared. I have to do this. I'm too much of a burden. And I'm sorry for that. I'm so, so sorry.** _

_**Please, don't cry over me. I'm not worth your tears. Be happy. Live a long, happy life. The one I can't ever live.** _

_**Tell Haru I love him. Please."** _

Makoto placed the letter on the bedside table. He quietly exited the house, walking slowly to the beach. 

_I'm bigger than my body, I'm colder than this home, I'm meaner than my demons, I'm bigger than these bones..._

He felt the ocean lapping at his feet, begging him to join the waves. He waded out into the water. 

_"Good. They won't miss you."_

 "I know," he replied softly to the voices, "You win, by the way..."

With one last, shuddering breath, Makoto allowed the waves to take him under, closed his eyes, and let his body sink, a sick feeling of peace consuming him as everything faded away. 

_And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me!", I can't help this awful energy. Goddamn right, you should be scared of me. Who is in control?_

 

 


	2. How could I not Know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'How could I have not noticed?', Haruka thought to himself, "How could I not know?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked how everyone would react to the death of Makoto. Here it is.

**Mr. Tachibana**

It was like a nightmare. The most terrible nightmare a parent could ever have, and he couldn't wake up. 

When Ran and Ren had run into the main bedroom where he and his wife had been sleeping, he blinked his eyes open. "What is it, children?" he asked, sleep heavy in his voice. 

"Papa!" Ren cried, shaking his arm frantically. "Onii-chan isn't home!" 

Tachibana Koji rubbed his eyes. "What?" 

Ran was nodding. "We went to wake up Onii-chan so he could come and play, but he wasn't in his bed!" 

Koji furrowed his brow in concern. "Stay here, and wake your mother." he got out of bed, placing a quick kiss on his youngest children's foreheads. "I'll be back in a moment." 

He traveled down the hall to his eldest son's bedroom, finding the door open as the twins had left it. The blankets on the bed were twisted and out of place, one of the blankets was placed over the mirror. He noticed a paper on the otherwise clean bedside table. With shaking hands, he picked up the note. 

_"To whoever finds this letter,_

_The voices are too loud. They scare me. I'm scared of me. I've always been so scared. I have to do this. I'm too much of a burden. And I'm sorry for that. I'm so, so sorry._

_Please, don't cry over me. I'm not worth your tears. Be happy. Live a long, happy life. The one I can't ever-"_

The note slipped out of his hands. Koji's breath caught in his throat. His wife entered the room as soon as he had allowed his back to slip down against the wall to the floor, hands covering his face. 

His wife's eyes flew over the paper, and a heartbreaking scream emitted from her throat. She fell to the floor, burying her face in Koji's shoulder. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, and held her close. 

Ran and Ren ran into the room, and their parent's held them close. "Mama? Papa? Where's Onii-chan?" Ren whimpered. 

Before either could respond, the was a knock at the front door. Koji composed himself enough to stand and went downstairs. He was met with the somber face of a police man. 

"Tachibana-san?" 

"Yes, that's me." he responded, words shaky. 

"Tachibana-san, there was a body found at the beach early this morning. We have confirmed it to be your son, Tachibana Makoto." 

The rest of the day was a blur, meeting with police, consoling his wife, and trying to explain to his remaining children. 

"Onii-chan... Onii-chan has gone to be with the angels." was the best response he could give. 

"When will he be back?" Ren asked, confused. 

Ran's eyes were filled with tears. "Don't be stupid, Ren! Onii-chan can't come back!" 

"Why not?" 

"He's dead!" 

With his two crying children and his wife holding on tightly, he prayed for it all to be a dream. 

If it was, he never woke up from it. 

 **Haruka**  

Nanase Haruka had just returned from Tokyo, entering his home and putting his bags down. He left soon after that, heading to the Tachibana house to see his boyfriend. 

When he knocked on the doors, there were no running footsteps of the twins racing for the door. It opened to reveal a very tired Mrs. Tachibana, with Ren clinging to her. She motioned for him to come inside. "Ah, Haruka-chan, come in." 

Haruka took off his shoes and entered. "Is everything okay? Where's Makoto?" he asked softly. 

Mrs. Tachibana's eyes were filled with tears. "Please, sit down first." 

He did as he was told, and Ran and Ren climbed onto his lap, holding tightly to him. "What's going on?" 

"Haruka-chan... Makoto passed away two nights ago..." Mrs. Tachibana whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. 

Silence roared in Haruka's ears. "What? What happened?" he asked, stunned. 

Makoto's mother swallowed. "He... He committed suicide... He drowned himself in the ocean." a small sob escaped the small woman. 

Haruka's world stopped. Makoto was dead? He committed suicide? Why would he? Last time he had seen Makoto, he had seemed fine... 

 _"But he wasn't."_ a cruel thought whispered,  _"He wasn't okay, and you left."_

 _'How could I not have noticed?'_ Haruka thought desperately,  _'How could I not know?'_  

"D-Did he say anything... before?" Haruka asked, voice weak. 

Mrs. Tachibana shook her head. "No. He only left a short note." she wiped her tears. "He loved you very much, Haruka-chan..." 

 _'I know he loved me!'_ Haruka wanted to shout,  _'But did he know how much I love him?!'_

**Nagisa, Rei, and Rin**

They all sat in silence around Haruka's living room table. 

"H-Haru-chan, this isn't funny..." Nagisa whispered, tears forming. 

"I wouldn't lie, Nagisa..." was all Haruka would say. 

"So... M-Makoto-senpai is dead?" Rei asked, voice soft. 

Haruka nodded, looking at the floor. 

Rin's hands balled into fists. "Damn him!" he shouted, knocking over his cup of water. 

"Rin-chan-" 

"Rin-san, please-" 

"Oi, Rin-!" 

"No!" Rin growled. "Why didn't he tell us he wasn't okay? Why didn't he say anything? We could've helped! We would've been there for him, and now he's-!" Rin cut himself off, trying to hold it together. 

"Makoto was always self-sacrificing. He probably hid it thinking we wouldn't want to hear about it..." Haruka swallowed guiltily. Was it his fault? Should he have asked Makoto more about his feelings when they were children? 

Nagisa was crying into Rei's shoulder whilst the taller had his own tears falling. Rin was muttering to himself, and Haruka refused to speak. 

Didn't Makoto know how much he would be missed? 

Didn't Makoto know how much Haruka loved him? 

Didn't Makoto know how much Haruka still needed him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it's kinda crappy

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know how it was in the comments!


End file.
